oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My life is pants optional.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
