craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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