Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
