just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
