I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
