I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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