We're like a lot better than the average bears
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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