next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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