Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
