I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
