My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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