hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
