Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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