She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
