I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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