in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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