do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
