I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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