I think my fart just growled at me.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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