We won't sleep together?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
