he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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