Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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