Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
