if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Dicks are not precious.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
