found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
