Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
