i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he fucked my hip out of place.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
