The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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