playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
