Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
