I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
