Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
