dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
