I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
