our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
