Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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