saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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