Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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