I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
