this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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