god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
