Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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