If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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