Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
