I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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