Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
