god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
