Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
