I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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