They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
